The word dirty-no-good-cheating-ugly-all-around-bad-person-jerks gets thrown around a lot lately so I am hesitant to use it, but in this case the shoe fits. Devon and Zachary have never been known for their high standards when it comes to sportsmanship and honesty during competition, but recently the gray area they tend to play in has become a dark and sinister black hole.
I first noticed something was awry when I spotted Zachary leaving a rather shady business. I had just finished having a lovely meal with, Anna Kendrick, where we spoke of our mutual physical attraction and our love for the Simpsons, when I noticed a certain little red headed weasel walking to his car with a bag of “groceries.” I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing that he had long struggled with erectile dysfunction, but as I looked closer I could see a bottle labeled, “Steroids For Cheating At Trivia,” peaking itself out of the top of the bag. Still, I knew that Zachary frequents bar trivia, where he gets hammered to dull the feeling of being worthless in comparison to, Colton (my teammate), so I convinced myself that he was using said pills in a sad attempt to win a free pitcher of beer.
As the days progressed, and Colton and I spent many sleepless nights together studying for Trivia Wars, it became clear that we were the only ones taking this seriously. Facebook and Instagram photos of Devon and Zachary shirking their responsibilities in favor of attending off-Broadway musicals and hitting the gym, where they spent the majority of their time in the showers, began to surface. Colton and I didn’t think too much of it, since both Zachary and Devon were total losers growing up and spent most of their time playing with Sega instead of meeting girls, but it was a little odd for them to be so blasé. We spoke about it over our dinner with Victoria’s Secret fashion models at the Playboy Mansion on Thursday, and came to the conclusion that since Team Voldemort had spent so much time with Sega consoles and characters as weak children, that they must’ve figured they didn’t need to study.
Finally, the day of trivia had arrived, and after Colton and I held the show together for the first forty-five minutes, we were tired, but ready to dance. Of course keeping with the norm, Zachary and Devon had written questions that even the most hardcore Sega fan wouldn’t be able to answer, but Colton and I hung in there, trying not to be too hard on the little fellers. Since both Zachary and Devon have such fragile little egos, we didn’t want to damage their already withering sense of self-worth. At the end of the round, Team Voldemort squeaked by with a victory 4-2 over Team Gold Standard. Colton and I were happy for them, since we excel in every other area of life, so we let them bask in the small bit of limelight that they would ever get.
Colton and I were happy to let this one go and move on to things that actually mattered in life, but then came the package. An anonymous source slipped a manila envelope under my door, containing pictures of Team Voldemort outright cheating! My gut feelings throughout the week had been correct! Zachary and Devon had conspired to cheat at a stupid little trivia game that means nothing in the real world! As Colton and I looked over the photos, our blood began to boil. Lucky for us we were strength training with Jason Statham at the time, so we just hit the weights even harder. After our set, we realized that we weren’t as angry as we were sad. Sad that the poor babies had so little going for them in life that they felt the need to cheat at a stupid game.
We decided that we wouldn’t punish Team Voldemort for their pathetic attempt to appear better than us and blatant disregard for the rules. Instead we decided to just release the facts so that our fans knew. We here at Nerdwest strive for transparency and honesty in all of our reporting and endeavors, so we thought it was only fair to let you all know. Colton and I hope that you won’t be too hard on Zachary and Devon, their lives are already pathetic enough.